I understand the concept of deception. That someone may not be forthright about what they're truly doing, intending or thinking for various reasons. Most obviously it may not be looked on favorably by an individual or society as a whole or it may actually be intended to protect someone's feelings. It could even be used to surprise someone with something nice, like a gift or a surprise party.
I'm not saying I've never been dishonest. I think everyone has at some point. I think what I'm puzzled by is the complexity of deception many people go to and also their feeling the need to be deceptive in circumstances that don't seem to warrant it.
I remember being ditched at an amusement park when I was in high school. I drove my friend and myself there and her boyfriend met us there. Instead of just saying "I'm going to leave with him, see you later" while I was in a concession line she said "We're going over to that stand, meet you over there by that bench." So, there I am standing by the bench looking around for them. When I broadened my range of searching I saw them exiting the gate to the parking lot.
More recently, I had someone else tell me they were helping a friend move to my home state of Pennsylvania when in fact they were doing something else entirely. Ok, I get it. You didn't want me to know, but why tell me Pennsylvania? Here I was giving them information on Pennsylvania, like take a jacket even in the summer and a couple places they might like to check out if they get a chance and they weren't even going there.
I just don't understand stuff like that. And what's worse is I really don't have the ability to discern when someone is being dishonest with me unless they slip up or just come out and tell me at some point. I rely almost exclusively on what a person tells me. Most the time I can't even tell if someone is being sarcastic.
I also don't understand when people say things they don't mean out of anger. I generally believe what they say and don't realize they don't really mean it. Like "I hate you!" or "Go away!". I'm the type that would be heading out the door.
Them: "Where are you going?"
Me: "You told me to leave."
Them: "I didn't really mean it."
Me: "You told me to have a nice life."
Them: "I didn't mean that either, duh!"
Me: "I'm confused."
Any wonder why Aspies limit their social circle?
Saturday, July 14, 2012
Monday, July 9, 2012
Reprieve
I've read about some people with Asperger's having to zone out into their own world. I really can't say I do that but I do need a break from it all from time to time. I get overloaded with too much to process, noises, things, people, etc. and I just need to chill out in a quiet place.
I also find reading or gaming on my computer a good break. A distraction that helps me "reboot" so that I can go back to dealing with whatever I was getting overloaded with previously. I do subscribe to World of Warcraft but I generally stick with solo content (questing, professions, etc.) and don't run dungeons or raids with groups of other players. (I truly am an introvert.) To me, it's a virtual world that I can retreat to and find a sense of order.
Generally, anything computers do have some sort of order to them. Even "chaos" in a virtual environment is programmed to appear to be chaos but really isn't. There is a logical operation to it that for me provides the structure I desire to have in the real world but can only have to a limited degree. While I desire cleanliness and organization almost as much as someone with OCD, I'm unable to sort stuff out mentally enough to achieve those desires. I have issues prioritizing and planning and then usually negate any of that by forgetting what I needed to do anyway. I can't tell you how many times I've forgotten to put the wash in the dryer or some such task.
Anyway, there's so much more order to a virtual environment. It takes exactly this and exactly that to complete a task or quest or make something. You perform specific actions and the characters respond in a specific way, no random illogical actions that humans in real life are prone to. This makes my Aspie brain happy. Real people confuse my Aspie brain. Of course, there's no laundry to do or dishes to wash. My brain just doesn't feel as bogged down with a bunch of tasks to juggle as it does in the real world. Obviously, it's only a temporary escape but it's something I feel I need to stay sane. It helps me take a break and come back to the real world prepared to function again.
I also find reading or gaming on my computer a good break. A distraction that helps me "reboot" so that I can go back to dealing with whatever I was getting overloaded with previously. I do subscribe to World of Warcraft but I generally stick with solo content (questing, professions, etc.) and don't run dungeons or raids with groups of other players. (I truly am an introvert.) To me, it's a virtual world that I can retreat to and find a sense of order.
Generally, anything computers do have some sort of order to them. Even "chaos" in a virtual environment is programmed to appear to be chaos but really isn't. There is a logical operation to it that for me provides the structure I desire to have in the real world but can only have to a limited degree. While I desire cleanliness and organization almost as much as someone with OCD, I'm unable to sort stuff out mentally enough to achieve those desires. I have issues prioritizing and planning and then usually negate any of that by forgetting what I needed to do anyway. I can't tell you how many times I've forgotten to put the wash in the dryer or some such task.
Anyway, there's so much more order to a virtual environment. It takes exactly this and exactly that to complete a task or quest or make something. You perform specific actions and the characters respond in a specific way, no random illogical actions that humans in real life are prone to. This makes my Aspie brain happy. Real people confuse my Aspie brain. Of course, there's no laundry to do or dishes to wash. My brain just doesn't feel as bogged down with a bunch of tasks to juggle as it does in the real world. Obviously, it's only a temporary escape but it's something I feel I need to stay sane. It helps me take a break and come back to the real world prepared to function again.
Thursday, July 5, 2012
Spirituality
I grew up in a Baptist home. As with other faiths there's a certain mystical component beyond a list of dos and don'ts. I've tried to experience "God's will", voice of God, "still small voice" meditation stuff. I've tried to read the Bible with an intent to perceive more than just the literal text. I've heard many times of people saying it speaks to them differently each time they read it. They call it the "living word", that there is some kind of metaphysical characteristics to the scripture that they perceive. I've tried to experience all this and out of sheer desperation I'd sometimes convince myself I had discerned something relating to a special revelation of God's will for my life. Like taking things that happened as a sign.
One time I had likened in an email to a friend that I and someone we both knew were like two zebras in a herd of horses. Like that we were different than the rest. A couple months later I was sitting in a church nursery playing with my then toddler and he handed me two toy zebras. I practically jumped out of my skin thinking it was some kind of sign relating to my earlier zebra analogy. I thought it meant I should focus on building that relationship. Woohoo, a sign from God! When, with "help" from my typical Aspie communication limitations, things went horribly bad...to the point that we no longer even speak...how am I supposed to take that "sign from God" now?
After other such events over the years I came to the conclusion that I've been really reaching to believe that I have had spiritual experiences like others of faith claim. I don't contest their experiences but I think for myself that my perceptions are too dulled to discern such things. I have difficulty interpreting overt communications in the physical realm, I think it's not very realistic that I'm going to accurately perceive any subtle spiritual communications.
I feel like I'm missing out on some kind of vital ability when it comes to religion or associating with others in a religious context. I do not experience what they experience so I can't relate. I believe in God and I would most closely associate with the Presbyterian denomination but it's an intellectual belief, not so much a feeling, experiential faith. I want to experience more and I figure if God knows I'm like this that he would "speak" to me louder and clearer but I can't say that he has. I've prayed for him to hit me with a metaphorical brick or 2x4 if he wants to communicate something to me but it appears he hasn't had anything to say. I still believe, but I've drifted because it doesn't feel personal. Going to church usually upsets me because I feel left out of whatever it is that they experience with God.
One time I had likened in an email to a friend that I and someone we both knew were like two zebras in a herd of horses. Like that we were different than the rest. A couple months later I was sitting in a church nursery playing with my then toddler and he handed me two toy zebras. I practically jumped out of my skin thinking it was some kind of sign relating to my earlier zebra analogy. I thought it meant I should focus on building that relationship. Woohoo, a sign from God! When, with "help" from my typical Aspie communication limitations, things went horribly bad...to the point that we no longer even speak...how am I supposed to take that "sign from God" now?
After other such events over the years I came to the conclusion that I've been really reaching to believe that I have had spiritual experiences like others of faith claim. I don't contest their experiences but I think for myself that my perceptions are too dulled to discern such things. I have difficulty interpreting overt communications in the physical realm, I think it's not very realistic that I'm going to accurately perceive any subtle spiritual communications.
I feel like I'm missing out on some kind of vital ability when it comes to religion or associating with others in a religious context. I do not experience what they experience so I can't relate. I believe in God and I would most closely associate with the Presbyterian denomination but it's an intellectual belief, not so much a feeling, experiential faith. I want to experience more and I figure if God knows I'm like this that he would "speak" to me louder and clearer but I can't say that he has. I've prayed for him to hit me with a metaphorical brick or 2x4 if he wants to communicate something to me but it appears he hasn't had anything to say. I still believe, but I've drifted because it doesn't feel personal. Going to church usually upsets me because I feel left out of whatever it is that they experience with God.
Tuesday, July 3, 2012
Cold-hearted
My mother describes me as stoic. My ex called me cold-hearted (and some other things).
I know that I have a pretty unemotional front and when I do get emotional people really take notice.
From my perspective two things are in play here.
First, I just don't emote much. It doesn't mean I don't have emotions and feel indifferent, it's just that there's often a disconnect between what I'm feeling at the moment and a physical expression. Not all expressions seem to be automatic for people with Asperger's, sometimes it has to be a conscious action. I guess I'm kind of like Droopy Dog. Maybe I ought to say "I'm happy" even when my face doesn't show it. I wonder how many people will believe me if I don't actually have a happy expression though.
Second, sometimes the emotions come later. Especially when it's an emotional and/or sensory overload. I may not be able to feel the appropriate emotion(s) in the moment it's happening. It might not come until later, after I've processed the "input". I often consciously think to myself in that moment that I'm not feeling what I should and have learned to tell myself that doesn't mean I won't feel it later and that it's still valid when I do feel something later. In a situation that would justifiably cause anger, a normal person would immediately launch into an argument or such, I would likely have no reaction when the offense took place but would be mad later after I had time to process the occurrence. So, I have to actually just let it go and move on or go back to the person later to express my anger. Yes, it can help with being prudent and not flying off the handle but it also leads to poor communication. If there's a reoccurring issue that concerns me I often don't communicate my irritation, anger, etc. until it really annoys me and makes the effort of revisiting a subject necessary. I usually just let things slide because it's often not worth bringing something up later whereas it would have been more appropriate to express myself "quicker" at the time of the offense.
Unfortunately, positive interactions are often like this as well and I may not experience feelings of love or happiness until after the event has passed. I think that's more upsetting to me than not being able to react in a timely manner to negative events. Regardless, both cause issues in regard to interacting with others, which is my biggest heartbreak. I am always, always, always misunderstood in EVERY relationship I've ever had. Even my most humblest efforts to be gracious to others have left me misinterpreted and maligned because Neurotypical people misunderstood my Aspie attempts to connect with them. I wish it was all fun and laughs like the misunderstandings between Sheldon and the others on The Big Bang Theory but in real life it's brought me to tears many times.
I know that I have a pretty unemotional front and when I do get emotional people really take notice.
From my perspective two things are in play here.
First, I just don't emote much. It doesn't mean I don't have emotions and feel indifferent, it's just that there's often a disconnect between what I'm feeling at the moment and a physical expression. Not all expressions seem to be automatic for people with Asperger's, sometimes it has to be a conscious action. I guess I'm kind of like Droopy Dog. Maybe I ought to say "I'm happy" even when my face doesn't show it. I wonder how many people will believe me if I don't actually have a happy expression though.
Second, sometimes the emotions come later. Especially when it's an emotional and/or sensory overload. I may not be able to feel the appropriate emotion(s) in the moment it's happening. It might not come until later, after I've processed the "input". I often consciously think to myself in that moment that I'm not feeling what I should and have learned to tell myself that doesn't mean I won't feel it later and that it's still valid when I do feel something later. In a situation that would justifiably cause anger, a normal person would immediately launch into an argument or such, I would likely have no reaction when the offense took place but would be mad later after I had time to process the occurrence. So, I have to actually just let it go and move on or go back to the person later to express my anger. Yes, it can help with being prudent and not flying off the handle but it also leads to poor communication. If there's a reoccurring issue that concerns me I often don't communicate my irritation, anger, etc. until it really annoys me and makes the effort of revisiting a subject necessary. I usually just let things slide because it's often not worth bringing something up later whereas it would have been more appropriate to express myself "quicker" at the time of the offense.
Unfortunately, positive interactions are often like this as well and I may not experience feelings of love or happiness until after the event has passed. I think that's more upsetting to me than not being able to react in a timely manner to negative events. Regardless, both cause issues in regard to interacting with others, which is my biggest heartbreak. I am always, always, always misunderstood in EVERY relationship I've ever had. Even my most humblest efforts to be gracious to others have left me misinterpreted and maligned because Neurotypical people misunderstood my Aspie attempts to connect with them. I wish it was all fun and laughs like the misunderstandings between Sheldon and the others on The Big Bang Theory but in real life it's brought me to tears many times.
Monday, July 2, 2012
Literally?
I take things too literally. Even though I know this about me it doesn't make it easier to tell when someone is jesting or joking or being sarcastic and when they're being serious. I'm aware of the concept and can understand it, I just have trouble identifying it in real life scenarios.
I may be busy doing something and someone comes by and says "You don't look busy." I don't know how to take this. Do they realize I am, in fact, busy or do they not realize I'm in the middle of something? Some people don't appreciate that you can be "busy" on the computer or some other non-physically exerting task. I don't know how to respond to something like that. I usually respond in a serious nature and then the person says something like "Geesh, I was just joking" but by then I'm already down the road in my response and it's kind of hard to stop mid-thought and say "Oh, ha ha...you had me going." I'm usually at least mildly agitated by that point regardless.
It would be nice if people gave a cue that they're joking when they say things like that. It's very similar to communicating online or in text messages. Assume I'm not "there" to read your body language or inflections in your voice and give me a little "jk" or ";)" at the end.
I may be busy doing something and someone comes by and says "You don't look busy." I don't know how to take this. Do they realize I am, in fact, busy or do they not realize I'm in the middle of something? Some people don't appreciate that you can be "busy" on the computer or some other non-physically exerting task. I don't know how to respond to something like that. I usually respond in a serious nature and then the person says something like "Geesh, I was just joking" but by then I'm already down the road in my response and it's kind of hard to stop mid-thought and say "Oh, ha ha...you had me going." I'm usually at least mildly agitated by that point regardless.
It would be nice if people gave a cue that they're joking when they say things like that. It's very similar to communicating online or in text messages. Assume I'm not "there" to read your body language or inflections in your voice and give me a little "jk" or ";)" at the end.
Pirates!
Survived Chuck E. Cheese. Not one of my favorite places but had fun playing Deadstorm Pirates with my son. Which conveniently kept us busy for quite a while and kept me from having to interact much with others and kept me focused so I blocked out all the other arcade noises and didn't get overloaded.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)