I've got this mental picture of how things are in this world. As it physically exists, as we move about in it and interact with people and things. The various disciplines that make up our education and careers....
They either relate to dealing with people and what is in the human mind OR they deal with things and how they function. Subjective vs objective.
Now, your job may call upon you to function in both these realms but they're really separate and that's where I notice the division of my abilities as a person on the spectrum.
I deal much better with things. Why? I think because they're more tangible and absolute. Not saying that the "things" have to be real to the touch but they're real in the way a number on paper represents a real concept. Math problems, computer code, buildings, cars, flowers. I'm awesome at these things. Math, science, etc.
Now, the human side. We're talking art, literature, law, politics, etc. They're not black and white, they're subject to interpretation. There's people's whose jobs are solely to figure out what this stuff means. This is not really the realm of the autist. While I may be able to grasp these things, I will never truly master them because I don't fully understand how other human beings think. They're not predictable, they're not logical. I'm often perplexed at this. More later...
Friday, May 31, 2013
Wednesday, May 8, 2013
Hiatus
I've been busy with school but I'm glad to report straight A's again for both semesters. I have a little time off before summer session where I'll be taking two courses so that I'll be able to graduate next Spring.
The Asperger's is rearing it's head. I always think things are going well until I finally notice I'm running people off. That's the thing, I don't even know I'm different or upset people until they have a reaction to me. They either withdraw from me, yell at me or cry...all under the interpretation that I'm a jerk. I NEVER intend anything I do to be mean but no matter how hard I try to be kind it seems to go all wrong and, like I said, I don't even see it. I'm blind to it.
I wonder if it's better or worse to tell people. Maybe I'd rather have them think I was a jerk than start talking to me like I'm mentally retarded because they don't understand what Asperger's is.
The memory flash backs are ongoing. Remembering people taking issue with me in the past and not understanding what I did wrong. Today I remembered a co-worker telling me that another co-worker that I worked closely with quit because she couldn't handle working with me any longer. I didn't understand why but this is also the same job where everyone got invited to a co-worker's wedding but me.
It just goes on and on and every incident hurts because it alienates me further from other people. I don't want that but I seem to have trouble interacting with everyone. I even am having issues with people I don't know in real life. I belong to a guild in World of Warcraft and even the people in the guild seem to be taking issue with me. By my assessment I've only ever been polite and friendly with my guildmates yet even then I seem to have made some missteps that I wasn't aware of. Warcraft is kind of my escape from reality so when my Asperger issues are crossing over into my "refuge world" it's upsetting.
I'm taking to voluntarily being less social. Not because I want to but that apparently that's the only way to avoid upsetting people and being upset. The less people I interact with, the less I open my mouth or type something the less chance of misunderstandings and hurt feelings.
The Asperger's is rearing it's head. I always think things are going well until I finally notice I'm running people off. That's the thing, I don't even know I'm different or upset people until they have a reaction to me. They either withdraw from me, yell at me or cry...all under the interpretation that I'm a jerk. I NEVER intend anything I do to be mean but no matter how hard I try to be kind it seems to go all wrong and, like I said, I don't even see it. I'm blind to it.
I wonder if it's better or worse to tell people. Maybe I'd rather have them think I was a jerk than start talking to me like I'm mentally retarded because they don't understand what Asperger's is.
The memory flash backs are ongoing. Remembering people taking issue with me in the past and not understanding what I did wrong. Today I remembered a co-worker telling me that another co-worker that I worked closely with quit because she couldn't handle working with me any longer. I didn't understand why but this is also the same job where everyone got invited to a co-worker's wedding but me.
It just goes on and on and every incident hurts because it alienates me further from other people. I don't want that but I seem to have trouble interacting with everyone. I even am having issues with people I don't know in real life. I belong to a guild in World of Warcraft and even the people in the guild seem to be taking issue with me. By my assessment I've only ever been polite and friendly with my guildmates yet even then I seem to have made some missteps that I wasn't aware of. Warcraft is kind of my escape from reality so when my Asperger issues are crossing over into my "refuge world" it's upsetting.
I'm taking to voluntarily being less social. Not because I want to but that apparently that's the only way to avoid upsetting people and being upset. The less people I interact with, the less I open my mouth or type something the less chance of misunderstandings and hurt feelings.
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