I know this is going to blind side everyone but after much contemplation about my life I realized that I was not at all happy with my circumstances.
My marriage has been troubled from the beginning. It has caused me great stress over the years and our 13th anniversary I found myself thinking "What the hell are we doing?" I realized I couldn't continue on like this for another 13 years, let alone the rest of my life (assuming it's longer.)
I'm not going to run down a list of everything that went wrong in our marriage and bash on him. It wouldn't do any good and I'm trying to take the high road and not make it everyone's business.
So, there's that.....and...
The other thing is more shocking....especially since I'm a Christian....
I've been attracted to women my whole life. Whether you want to call that bi, gay or SGA (Same Gender Attraction)...is up to you. I haven't really put my finger on it myself yet. I don't really like the SGA term because then it's like you're addicted to drugs or something and need therapy. I don't think that at all. I believe it's part of who I am and need to identify with it. Now, what I do about it is another decision, but don't tell me it's a disorder.
Does that play into my decision to end my marriage? Not really. If my husband had participated more in our relationship instead of ignoring my needs for all these years, I think I would have been happy and stayed in the relationship. But I've pretty much felt isolated and alone all these years. Like we were roommates rather than husband and wife. He shut me out our whole marriage. I thought things would get better and we would grow closer with time, but we didn't.
I came to realize that I would rather be alone than always hanging onto the hope of being closer to him and time and again being disappointed.
Friday, August 28, 2009
Sunday, May 03, 2009
Isolated
It seems that I've been isolated in one form or another my whole life. You think I'd be accustomed to it by now.
I've actually lived in the middle of nowhere in a travel trailer, off-grid. No TV, no internet, no air conditioning (in Arizona)...you get the picture. Yeah, it was lonely. I'm married, so my husband was there at night, but all day I was alone, and sometimes he was away overnight for work. Once for a week. I thought I'd go crazy.
We finally moved into town and I thought that isolated feeling would go away. I hoped that isolated feeling would go away. It didn't. We've got people around us now, but we don't relate to them. I've come to realize that I truly don't understand how the average American thinks. I don't understand why they dump their kids in daycare/school while both husband and wife (if they are actually "husband" and "wife") go to work all day. Don't give me the "we've both got to work to get by" nonsense. I can't imagine willfully sticking my child in the custody of others to raise him while I go to work so we can have non-essentials, like cable TV, internet, take out food, more clothes and shoes than needed, etc. (I understand the plight of a single parent, I'm not talking about them. I sympathize with their position.) I'm talking about priorities. I just "traded in" a pair of shoes that I wore regularly for eight years. We make do with as little as we can so I can raise our child at home. Why doesn't everybody want this?
I don't know or understand what most people do for fun or think is fun. I don't like the music they listen to or how they speak to each other. I can hear my neighbor cursing at her children.
I know people who think nothing of going out, getting drunk and having sex with strangers. It all blows my mind. I'm not saying I'm immune to any wrong doing. I'm not perfect and I'm humble enough to admit that given a particular set of circumstances I might do the wrong thing. But there's a difference in intent. I want to do the right thing. These people don't seem to care what's right or wrong, they just want to do what they want to do.
Now, again, I'm a Christian. I was raised in a Christian home. I don't really know what it's like to not be a Christian. I think that hinders me from relating to non-Christians. I have a hard time understanding their motives, their goals, their reasoning. They don't understand us either. At least, Christians understand that our mindset is different. We have different priorities. I think non-Christians either don't realize it or don't believe it. I wish I could get a non-Christian to sit down and be completely honest with me about what they think and feel about life. I don't think most people want to "go there". I'd like to be like George Bailey in "It's a Wonderful Life" and get the opportunity to see what my world would be like if I wasn't a Christian. What I would be like, how I would think and act. That would be most interesting.
But that said, I feel isolated from other Christians too. Mostly other American Christians. There's this whole fusion of politics and religion going on in the Christian subculture that I find disturbing. You're not automatically registered as a Republican the moment you become a Christian, although I'm sure some Christians would think that's a great idea. I got news for you, Sunshine...your political representatives are not looking out for your best interest. They're not voting in accordance to God's Law. In fact, now days, you can almost bet that they're voting in opposition to God's Law. But Christians don't seem to know enough about their faith or their Constitutional rights to even raise an eyebrow let alone mount an opposition against what's been going on. They simply can't or won't believe that our government would do wrong. You don't even have to try to find the truth anymore. It's right out in the open. They're not even bothering to cover up their actions anymore. Are Christians outraged? Um...I'm not hearing it. Maybe there's small groups here and there, but there should be a collective movement of the Church in this country to restore our nation's integrity. Restore our rights, our morals, our sense of humanity. You call yourselves Christians? How is it you support more soldiers than missionaries?
So there you are. This is why I feel isolated. If I haven't offended you, then you're in a small minority or you're probably dead.
I've actually lived in the middle of nowhere in a travel trailer, off-grid. No TV, no internet, no air conditioning (in Arizona)...you get the picture. Yeah, it was lonely. I'm married, so my husband was there at night, but all day I was alone, and sometimes he was away overnight for work. Once for a week. I thought I'd go crazy.
We finally moved into town and I thought that isolated feeling would go away. I hoped that isolated feeling would go away. It didn't. We've got people around us now, but we don't relate to them. I've come to realize that I truly don't understand how the average American thinks. I don't understand why they dump their kids in daycare/school while both husband and wife (if they are actually "husband" and "wife") go to work all day. Don't give me the "we've both got to work to get by" nonsense. I can't imagine willfully sticking my child in the custody of others to raise him while I go to work so we can have non-essentials, like cable TV, internet, take out food, more clothes and shoes than needed, etc. (I understand the plight of a single parent, I'm not talking about them. I sympathize with their position.) I'm talking about priorities. I just "traded in" a pair of shoes that I wore regularly for eight years. We make do with as little as we can so I can raise our child at home. Why doesn't everybody want this?
I don't know or understand what most people do for fun or think is fun. I don't like the music they listen to or how they speak to each other. I can hear my neighbor cursing at her children.
I know people who think nothing of going out, getting drunk and having sex with strangers. It all blows my mind. I'm not saying I'm immune to any wrong doing. I'm not perfect and I'm humble enough to admit that given a particular set of circumstances I might do the wrong thing. But there's a difference in intent. I want to do the right thing. These people don't seem to care what's right or wrong, they just want to do what they want to do.
Now, again, I'm a Christian. I was raised in a Christian home. I don't really know what it's like to not be a Christian. I think that hinders me from relating to non-Christians. I have a hard time understanding their motives, their goals, their reasoning. They don't understand us either. At least, Christians understand that our mindset is different. We have different priorities. I think non-Christians either don't realize it or don't believe it. I wish I could get a non-Christian to sit down and be completely honest with me about what they think and feel about life. I don't think most people want to "go there". I'd like to be like George Bailey in "It's a Wonderful Life" and get the opportunity to see what my world would be like if I wasn't a Christian. What I would be like, how I would think and act. That would be most interesting.
But that said, I feel isolated from other Christians too. Mostly other American Christians. There's this whole fusion of politics and religion going on in the Christian subculture that I find disturbing. You're not automatically registered as a Republican the moment you become a Christian, although I'm sure some Christians would think that's a great idea. I got news for you, Sunshine...your political representatives are not looking out for your best interest. They're not voting in accordance to God's Law. In fact, now days, you can almost bet that they're voting in opposition to God's Law. But Christians don't seem to know enough about their faith or their Constitutional rights to even raise an eyebrow let alone mount an opposition against what's been going on. They simply can't or won't believe that our government would do wrong. You don't even have to try to find the truth anymore. It's right out in the open. They're not even bothering to cover up their actions anymore. Are Christians outraged? Um...I'm not hearing it. Maybe there's small groups here and there, but there should be a collective movement of the Church in this country to restore our nation's integrity. Restore our rights, our morals, our sense of humanity. You call yourselves Christians? How is it you support more soldiers than missionaries?
So there you are. This is why I feel isolated. If I haven't offended you, then you're in a small minority or you're probably dead.
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Uncertain Days Ahead
The night before last I sat up to 2 am catching up on with what's going on with the economy and politics. The Tea Parties, the budget, etc. Then I read about this Baptist pastor down in Phoenix getting assaulted by Border Patrol agents and the culmination of everything just hit me heavy. Like we've just fell over the edge and are in that falling period before we hit.
It was a realization of where things are heading. I'm a Christian. I'm not a Pretribulation/Rapture kind of Christian. I've been trying to take the stance that we don't really know if this is the "End Times". I'm sure WWII and other times in history seemed just as dark. But something changed in me the other night. Seeing the big, global picture of what's going on... I'm thinking it just might be getting towards the end.
I still don't believe in the Rapture. If I'm wrong, great, but I don't see Christians getting out of this easy like that. My friend said to me that it would wake people up and more people would get saved as a result of the Rapture. I think Christian martyrdom gets more people's attention than people just disappearing. There's like two accounts of people being taken "Rapture-like" in the Bible and a lot more accounts of believers dying for their faith. My point is that even though I look forward to Christ's return, there may be a lot of suffering between now and then. In fact, there are already more Christians being persecuted in present day than ever before in history.
Our money and our freedom is being eroded away daily. This stimulus package might revive the economy temporarily, but it's riddled with "cancer" and it's not going to last. The market has been "medicated" for years to keep it from crashing, but eventually there's nothing more that can be done. The rich kids have already taken more than their share of the inheritance and are leaving the rest of us to dispose of the corpse.
I wanted to email my closest friends to express how I felt, what I was thinking. To maybe warn them of something, but I couldn't figure out what to say. Even if I could articulate what I'm feeling, I'm not sure I should say it. Everybody is already stressed by the current events. I'm only going to tell them that I think things are going to get even worse. Maybe that's no help at all.
It was a realization of where things are heading. I'm a Christian. I'm not a Pretribulation/Rapture kind of Christian. I've been trying to take the stance that we don't really know if this is the "End Times". I'm sure WWII and other times in history seemed just as dark. But something changed in me the other night. Seeing the big, global picture of what's going on... I'm thinking it just might be getting towards the end.
I still don't believe in the Rapture. If I'm wrong, great, but I don't see Christians getting out of this easy like that. My friend said to me that it would wake people up and more people would get saved as a result of the Rapture. I think Christian martyrdom gets more people's attention than people just disappearing. There's like two accounts of people being taken "Rapture-like" in the Bible and a lot more accounts of believers dying for their faith. My point is that even though I look forward to Christ's return, there may be a lot of suffering between now and then. In fact, there are already more Christians being persecuted in present day than ever before in history.
Our money and our freedom is being eroded away daily. This stimulus package might revive the economy temporarily, but it's riddled with "cancer" and it's not going to last. The market has been "medicated" for years to keep it from crashing, but eventually there's nothing more that can be done. The rich kids have already taken more than their share of the inheritance and are leaving the rest of us to dispose of the corpse.
I wanted to email my closest friends to express how I felt, what I was thinking. To maybe warn them of something, but I couldn't figure out what to say. Even if I could articulate what I'm feeling, I'm not sure I should say it. Everybody is already stressed by the current events. I'm only going to tell them that I think things are going to get even worse. Maybe that's no help at all.
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Get out! No, really
A warning to anyone who will listen...
Don't depend on the FDIC to protect your money if your bank goes under. There is no fund. It's just like Social Security. The money is spent as soon as Uncle Sam gets his hot little hands on the bank's insurance premiums. More banks start folding and they're not going to be able to cover the losses. The TV news won't tell you this. They'll bring on experts who will tell you that your money is safe. The only thing they're doing is trying to stem a run on the banks.
Do your homework, google something useful, find out what's really going on and protect yourself.
This is just the beginning of the unraveling of our financial system.
I'm not going to tell you what to do with your money, but most of mine has been converted to durable goods in my pantry. It's a low risk investment. If I'm right, I'm going to be prepared to better weather the rough times ahead. If I'm wrong and things get better, I won't have to go grocery shopping for a while and can put my grocery money back into our savings.
Don't depend on the FDIC to protect your money if your bank goes under. There is no fund. It's just like Social Security. The money is spent as soon as Uncle Sam gets his hot little hands on the bank's insurance premiums. More banks start folding and they're not going to be able to cover the losses. The TV news won't tell you this. They'll bring on experts who will tell you that your money is safe. The only thing they're doing is trying to stem a run on the banks.
Do your homework, google something useful, find out what's really going on and protect yourself.
This is just the beginning of the unraveling of our financial system.
I'm not going to tell you what to do with your money, but most of mine has been converted to durable goods in my pantry. It's a low risk investment. If I'm right, I'm going to be prepared to better weather the rough times ahead. If I'm wrong and things get better, I won't have to go grocery shopping for a while and can put my grocery money back into our savings.
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
Diagnosis
I was officially diagnosed with PCOS last Friday. I self diagnosed myself years ago, but since I decided that I didn't want to be on medication, if at all possible, decided not to pursue it medically and just control it with a low-carb diet and exercise.
Last year, I joined a gym and was working out a lot, lost some weight, not much...but managed to get pregnant after 8 years of nothing happening. This lead, obviously, to less working out and eventually I left the gym in my 4th month of pregnancy, primarily because I got gestational carpal tunnel syndrome and could barely hold a pencil let alone a dumbell.
After having my son, I just couldn't seem to lose that additional weight for the life of me. I dieted like I had never dieted before. Granted, I wasn't exercising like before, but I wasn't doing nothing. I hadn't really been impressed with the results when I was working out at the gym. It seemed like a lot more effort than what I was getting in return. Now, I'm no longer able to go to a gym at all. #1 I've got a infant and the gym doesn't have child care. #2 even if they did, I can't afford to go anymore. We bought a house last summer because I got pregnant and we're operating on a tight budget now.
I finally came to the conclusion that I may need medical intervention at this point, so I went to see a naturopathic doctor. After some tests he came to the conclusion that I did years ago and prescribed me a bunch of hormones to balance my system out: progesterone, DHEA, adrenal tissue and thyroid. I dropped 5lbs almost immediately. This is after sitting at the same weight for a couple months, no matter what I did. We'll see how things go. So far, my mood has improved, but I still feel tired (this also has something to do with my son teething right now).
I still think I've got to get back to exercising, but I'm hoping that whatever few minutes here and there I can find now will have better results than the hours I used to spend at the gym. Weightlifting (resistance training) is key to managing PCOS. Cardio alone will not control symptoms, so I'm working on setting up a simple workout area in my home. I've got dumbells and am in the search for a weight bench and maybe a stationary bike. I had been walking an hour 2-3 times a week up until it got to hot (I live in AZ). I think finding the time will be a big challenge right now with having a baby, but I hope it will get easier as time goes on.
Last year, I joined a gym and was working out a lot, lost some weight, not much...but managed to get pregnant after 8 years of nothing happening. This lead, obviously, to less working out and eventually I left the gym in my 4th month of pregnancy, primarily because I got gestational carpal tunnel syndrome and could barely hold a pencil let alone a dumbell.
After having my son, I just couldn't seem to lose that additional weight for the life of me. I dieted like I had never dieted before. Granted, I wasn't exercising like before, but I wasn't doing nothing. I hadn't really been impressed with the results when I was working out at the gym. It seemed like a lot more effort than what I was getting in return. Now, I'm no longer able to go to a gym at all. #1 I've got a infant and the gym doesn't have child care. #2 even if they did, I can't afford to go anymore. We bought a house last summer because I got pregnant and we're operating on a tight budget now.
I finally came to the conclusion that I may need medical intervention at this point, so I went to see a naturopathic doctor. After some tests he came to the conclusion that I did years ago and prescribed me a bunch of hormones to balance my system out: progesterone, DHEA, adrenal tissue and thyroid. I dropped 5lbs almost immediately. This is after sitting at the same weight for a couple months, no matter what I did. We'll see how things go. So far, my mood has improved, but I still feel tired (this also has something to do with my son teething right now).
I still think I've got to get back to exercising, but I'm hoping that whatever few minutes here and there I can find now will have better results than the hours I used to spend at the gym. Weightlifting (resistance training) is key to managing PCOS. Cardio alone will not control symptoms, so I'm working on setting up a simple workout area in my home. I've got dumbells and am in the search for a weight bench and maybe a stationary bike. I had been walking an hour 2-3 times a week up until it got to hot (I live in AZ). I think finding the time will be a big challenge right now with having a baby, but I hope it will get easier as time goes on.
Thursday, June 19, 2008
Fluoride
This ticks me off...(so what's new?)
I specifically asked my peditrician about whether or not I should use fluoridated water for making formula. I was somewhat leary about using it. He told me "Yes, use fluoridated water. Our city tap water is fluoridated or the Nursery Water in the stores is fluoridated." I was a little leary so I used 1/2 fluoridated and 1/2 unfluoridated water. A couple months later I find out the American Dental Association (ADA) issued a warning NOT to use fluoridated water to mix infant formula. Way to go, Doc!
Upon further research, I found out that ingested fluoride doesn't seem to do anyone any good. It's not a mineral the body needs, nor normally has in it's tissues. If fluoride is of any use it's only effective topically applied directly to the teeth, and even that is questionable. Very questionable.
(Make sure you watch the Fluoride Deception video)
Countries in Europe have banned fluoride while Southern California is still just starting to put it in the water.
Sometimes you really have to wonder what the objective really is. I'm thinking of starting a game show called "Are They Stupid or Evil?"
I'm switching to unfluoridated Toothpaste and getting a Reverse Osmosis water filter system.
I specifically asked my peditrician about whether or not I should use fluoridated water for making formula. I was somewhat leary about using it. He told me "Yes, use fluoridated water. Our city tap water is fluoridated or the Nursery Water in the stores is fluoridated." I was a little leary so I used 1/2 fluoridated and 1/2 unfluoridated water. A couple months later I find out the American Dental Association (ADA) issued a warning NOT to use fluoridated water to mix infant formula. Way to go, Doc!
Upon further research, I found out that ingested fluoride doesn't seem to do anyone any good. It's not a mineral the body needs, nor normally has in it's tissues. If fluoride is of any use it's only effective topically applied directly to the teeth, and even that is questionable. Very questionable.
(Make sure you watch the Fluoride Deception video)
Countries in Europe have banned fluoride while Southern California is still just starting to put it in the water.
Sometimes you really have to wonder what the objective really is. I'm thinking of starting a game show called "Are They Stupid or Evil?"
I'm switching to unfluoridated Toothpaste and getting a Reverse Osmosis water filter system.
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
I'm Back!
Boy I tell you...I haven't posted for so long BECAUSE I couldn't get into my Blogger account for the life of me. It just took me hours to finally get in. What a run around nuisance!!!
Anyway, a lot has happened... including that I'm now a parent.... (Like how I'm non-descriptive?)
Let's put it this way...LOTS and LOTS of PAIN!!! I was pretty sure I was going to die.
Now you know.
I've got an unimmunized, goat milk drinking, future "unschooled" little boy. Yeehaw! Try finding a pediatrician who want part of that. Not around these parts. I guess nobody around here asks any questions or expresses concerns. (Maybe it's the heat, but a lot of folks around here do seem to be "touched in the head". ) When I expressed my concern about the DTaP vaccine, doctor #1 said, "Well, they all get them." (Um, no they don't.) Doctor#2 said, "You don't want to hear what Whooping Cough sounds like." (No, but you didn't address my concerns.) Both responses were inadequate. Like they weren't trained in medical school how to deal with concerned parents other than telling them "Well, you've just got to do it."
No, I don't want my child to get sick from those viruses, but I also don't want him to suffer from Asthma, Autism, SIDS, deadly allergies, seizures, brain swelling, stroke or other "complications", which includes death. (Death is a possible reaction to any of these vaccinations. )
Meanwhile, no one is giving us plausible answers to the causes of Autism, Asthma, SIDS and these deadly food allergies...all whose ranks seem to be gaining more children by the minute.
Do I want to take my chances with Nature or pharmaceutical companies? Our intricately constructed bodies with its immune system and ability to heal itself (designed and built by God)or mankind who is continually finding out just how stupid they were 100, 50, 10 years or 10 months ago? Hmm...wait, wait....I'm thinking....
Do you know that these "immunizations" don't provide lifelong immunity? Most wear off by the time you're an adult. Which also happens to be when these viruses are most dangerous. Many childhood diseases come and go and the child suffers little to no symptoms, yet they develop immunity. Artificial "immunity" is NOT the same.
The next pediatrician we try out is getting a copy of this article:
http://www.lewrockwell.com/miller/miller15.html
Anyway, a lot has happened... including that I'm now a parent.... (Like how I'm non-descriptive?)
Let's put it this way...LOTS and LOTS of PAIN!!! I was pretty sure I was going to die.
Now you know.
I've got an unimmunized, goat milk drinking, future "unschooled" little boy. Yeehaw! Try finding a pediatrician who want part of that. Not around these parts. I guess nobody around here asks any questions or expresses concerns. (Maybe it's the heat, but a lot of folks around here do seem to be "touched in the head". ) When I expressed my concern about the DTaP vaccine, doctor #1 said, "Well, they all get them." (Um, no they don't.) Doctor#2 said, "You don't want to hear what Whooping Cough sounds like." (No, but you didn't address my concerns.) Both responses were inadequate. Like they weren't trained in medical school how to deal with concerned parents other than telling them "Well, you've just got to do it."
No, I don't want my child to get sick from those viruses, but I also don't want him to suffer from Asthma, Autism, SIDS, deadly allergies, seizures, brain swelling, stroke or other "complications", which includes death. (Death is a possible reaction to any of these vaccinations. )
Meanwhile, no one is giving us plausible answers to the causes of Autism, Asthma, SIDS and these deadly food allergies...all whose ranks seem to be gaining more children by the minute.
Do I want to take my chances with Nature or pharmaceutical companies? Our intricately constructed bodies with its immune system and ability to heal itself (designed and built by God)or mankind who is continually finding out just how stupid they were 100, 50, 10 years or 10 months ago? Hmm...wait, wait....I'm thinking....
Do you know that these "immunizations" don't provide lifelong immunity? Most wear off by the time you're an adult. Which also happens to be when these viruses are most dangerous. Many childhood diseases come and go and the child suffers little to no symptoms, yet they develop immunity. Artificial "immunity" is NOT the same.
The next pediatrician we try out is getting a copy of this article:
http://www.lewrockwell.com/miller/miller15.html
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