Hiatus

I've been busy with school but I'm glad to report straight A's again for both semesters. I have a little time off before summer session where I'll be taking two courses so that I'll be able to graduate next Spring.

The Asperger's is rearing it's head. I always think things are going well until I finally notice I'm running people off. That's the thing, I don't even know I'm different or upset people until they have a reaction to me. They either withdraw from me, yell at me or cry...all under the interpretation that I'm a jerk. I NEVER intend anything I do to be mean but no matter how hard I try to be kind it seems to go all wrong and, like I said, I don't even see it. I'm blind to it.

I wonder if it's better or worse to tell people. Maybe I'd rather have them think I was a jerk than start talking to me like I'm mentally retarded because they don't understand what Asperger's is.

The memory flash backs are ongoing. Remembering people taking issue with me in the past and not understanding what I did wrong. Today I remembered a co-worker telling me that another co-worker that I worked closely with quit because she couldn't handle working with me any longer. I didn't understand why but this is also the same job where everyone got invited to a co-worker's wedding but me.

It just goes on and on and every incident hurts because it alienates me further from other people. I don't want that but I seem to have trouble interacting with everyone.  I even am having issues with people I don't know in real life. I belong to a guild in World of Warcraft and even the people in the guild seem to be taking issue with me. By my assessment I've only ever been polite and friendly with my guildmates yet even then I seem to have made some missteps that I wasn't aware of. Warcraft is kind of my escape from reality so when my Asperger issues are crossing over into my "refuge world" it's upsetting.

I'm taking to voluntarily being less social. Not because I want to but that apparently that's the only way to avoid upsetting people and being upset. The less people I interact with, the less I open my mouth or type something the less chance of misunderstandings and hurt feelings.