So far...

I returned to classes a couple weeks ago. I have four classes and two instructors...two classes taught by each instructor...just the way things fell this semester. The one teacher I've had three times before. She's very organized, I know exactly what she wants done and I do it. No problem...well, other than I choked during her last final with all the clackety-clacking of my classmates working away on their computers.

My other two classes are stressing me. I didn't know this until last week but the original instructor who was to teach both these classes died over the summer. This left the technology department scrambling to find another instructor to teach the course. So, the new instructor, who I have not had before, has not taught these courses before. There's an element of disorganization that I'm having difficulty coping with. In the instructor's effort to accommodate us and the classes not going as originally intended he's being laid back about assignments. The class schedule is bizarre to say the least. We meet for 3 hours on various days as noted on his syllabus. There's no routine to it at all. The first week the one class met on Tuesday and the other on Wednesday in the same time slot, not the second week for either and then they seem staggered for a bit, one week only the Tuesday class the other week only the Wednesday but it doesn't stay that way.  Assignments are listed due on the Syllabus but then he tells us in class to bring them next time so we go past the due date. The online calendar is "yelling" at me that my assignments are overdue but he says it's ok he'll take care of it. I'm not even sure he knows my name to credit me for doing the labwork. The online worksheet was vague and due to it's non-specific language I got questions wrong. I need things to be very precise for me to be able to understand. I'm very literal in my interpretation. I get hung up on things if they're not clearly explained. It's like "water"...well, it's H2O technically but there's really other stuff in there too so which are you talking about? If I can't determine which by surrounding information I just get hung up on it.

I guess I need to become a computer programmer. I'd probably be a wiz with syntax. Meanwhile I'm trying to cope with humans.

Back to School

I start back to classes on Monday. I already feel overwhelmed.
Not so much by the subject matter but with the multitasking of managing assignments from several classes. Remembering to do assignments. I still don't feel like I have a good organization/scheduling system and this causes me stress.

On top of all that I need to put my child into daycare while I'm in class. This has not been an easy task. The childcare at school was supposedly full unless he went five days a week.  He's not ready for five days a week yet and he has to go to speech therapy one of those days anyway. I believe both my ex and I have Asperger's so it's likely that my son has it also. I think he does because he seems to have issues with coping with change and seems to like things in his environment "just so".

I think I'm going to try an organizer I can put papers in and has a calendar, so if you need me I'll be trolling the office supply stores this weekend. Woohoo....

Technology

It seems to me there should be more technology out there to help people with Asperger's.
Yes, there's PDA's and watches with alarms. I saw one that even puts a little preset message on the screen to remind you what the alarm is for Watch Minder. Maybe there's even apps out there. I don't have a smartphone to know if there is. I also found a software program SymTrend which tracks and reminds patients with various condition, including Asperger's, but for me it really isn't relevant to the issues I'm dealing with. I don't need to be reminded to brush my teeth, I need to be reminded to make a phone call to my kid's teacher. Also, most of these products seem to be geared toward children, like it's a juvenile condition you grow out of when you reach adulthood. I continue to look for something that will aid me with my short-term memory issues.

Finances

I really struggle with budgets and keeping track of finances. Remembering to pay bills on time. Making sure there's enough money in the account to cover all the bills. It's not that I'm bad with numbers, it's that I forget to do the numbers in the first place. I write due dates on the calendar and even set my phone to alert me each month when the bills are due, which helps, but sometimes that even can be overlooked if I was preoccupied with something else when it started to beep at me and absentmindedly turned it off. Often I forget all about purchases I made and forget to log them into my budget. It generates a lot of stress to not be certain about your finances so I'm really trying harder to keep a better track of all the money that comes in and goes out. I just started keeping a budget on Excel. I hope it helps. I'm also thinking that maybe grocery money and any other discretionary funds should just be in cash so I don't accidentally tap into funds needed for bills. When the cash is gone it's gone. Go root around the kitchen instead of going out to eat.

Mistruths Misinterpreted and Misunderstood

I understand the concept of deception. That someone may not be forthright about what they're truly doing, intending or thinking for various reasons. Most obviously it may not be looked on favorably by an individual or society as a whole or it may actually be intended to protect someone's feelings. It could even be used to surprise someone with something nice, like a gift or a surprise party.

I'm not saying I've never been dishonest. I think everyone has at some point. I think what I'm puzzled by is the complexity of deception many people go to and also their feeling the need to be deceptive in circumstances that don't seem to warrant it.

I remember being ditched at an amusement park when I was in high school. I drove my friend and myself there and her boyfriend met us there. Instead of just saying "I'm going to leave with him, see you later" while I was in a concession line she said "We're going over to that stand, meet you over there by that bench." So, there I am standing by the bench looking around for them. When I broadened my range of searching I saw them exiting the gate to the parking lot.

More recently, I had someone else tell me they were helping a friend move to my home state of Pennsylvania when in fact they were doing something else entirely. Ok, I get it. You didn't want me to know, but why tell me Pennsylvania? Here I was giving them information on Pennsylvania, like take a jacket even in the summer and a couple places they might like to check out if they get a chance and they weren't even going there.

I just don't understand stuff like that. And what's worse is I really don't have the ability to discern when someone is being dishonest with me unless they slip up or just come out and tell me at some point. I rely almost exclusively on what a person tells me. Most the time I can't even tell if someone is being sarcastic.

I also don't understand when people say things they don't mean out of anger. I generally believe what they say and don't realize they don't really mean it. Like "I hate you!" or "Go away!".  I'm the type that would be heading out the door.

Them: "Where are you going?"
Me: "You told me to leave."
Them: "I didn't really mean it."
Me: "You told me to have a nice life."
Them: "I didn't mean that either, duh!"
Me: "I'm confused."

Any wonder why Aspies limit their social circle?

Reprieve

I've read about some people with Asperger's having to zone out into their own world. I really can't say I do that but I do need a break from it all from time to time. I get overloaded with too much to process, noises, things, people, etc. and I just need to chill out in a quiet place.

I also find reading or gaming on my computer a good break. A distraction that helps me "reboot" so that I can go back to dealing with whatever I was getting overloaded with previously. I do subscribe to World of Warcraft but I generally stick with solo content (questing, professions, etc.) and don't run dungeons or raids with groups of other players. (I truly am an introvert.) To me, it's a virtual world that I can retreat to and find a sense of order.

Generally, anything computers do have some sort of order to them. Even "chaos" in a virtual environment is programmed to appear to be chaos but really isn't. There is a logical operation to it that for me provides the structure I desire to have in the real world but can only have to a limited degree. While I desire cleanliness and organization almost as much as someone with OCD, I'm unable to sort stuff out mentally enough to achieve those desires. I have issues prioritizing and planning and then usually negate any of that by forgetting what I needed to do anyway. I can't tell you how many times I've forgotten to put the wash in the dryer or some such task.

Anyway, there's so much more order to a virtual environment. It takes exactly this and exactly that to complete a task or quest or make something. You perform specific actions and the characters respond in a specific way, no random illogical actions that humans in real life are prone to. This makes my Aspie brain happy. Real people confuse my Aspie brain. Of course, there's no laundry to do or dishes to wash. My brain just doesn't feel as bogged down with a bunch of tasks to juggle as it does in the real world. Obviously, it's only a temporary escape but it's something I feel I need to stay sane. It helps me take a break and come back to the real world prepared to function again.

Spirituality

I grew up in a Baptist home. As with other faiths there's a certain mystical component beyond a list of dos and don'ts. I've tried to experience "God's will", voice of God, "still small voice" meditation stuff. I've tried to read the Bible with an intent to perceive more than just the literal text. I've heard many times of people saying it speaks to them differently each time they read it. They call it the "living word", that there is some kind of metaphysical characteristics to the scripture that they perceive. I've tried to experience all this and out of sheer desperation I'd sometimes convince myself I had discerned something relating to a special revelation of God's will for my life. Like taking things that happened as a sign.

One time I had likened in an email to a friend that I and someone we both knew were like two zebras in a herd of horses. Like that we were different than the rest. A couple months later I was sitting in a church nursery playing with my then toddler and he handed me two toy zebras. I practically jumped out of my skin thinking it was some kind of sign relating to my earlier zebra analogy. I thought it meant I should focus on building that relationship. Woohoo, a sign from God! When, with "help" from my typical Aspie communication limitations, things went horribly bad...to the point that we no longer even speak...how am I supposed to take that "sign from God" now?
After other such events over the years I came to the conclusion that I've been really reaching to believe that I have had spiritual experiences like others of faith claim. I don't contest their experiences but I think for myself that my perceptions are too dulled to discern such things. I have difficulty interpreting overt communications in the physical realm, I think it's not very realistic that I'm going to accurately perceive any subtle spiritual communications.

I feel like I'm missing out on some kind of vital ability when it comes to religion or associating with others in a religious context. I do not experience what they experience so I can't relate. I believe in God and I would most closely associate with the Presbyterian denomination but it's an intellectual belief, not so much a feeling, experiential faith. I want to experience more and I figure if God knows I'm like this that he would "speak" to me louder and clearer but I can't say that he has. I've prayed for him to hit me with a metaphorical brick or 2x4 if he wants to communicate something to me but it appears he hasn't had anything to say. I still believe, but I've drifted because it doesn't feel personal. Going to church usually upsets me because I feel left out of whatever it is that they experience with God.

Cold-hearted

My mother describes me as stoic. My ex called me cold-hearted (and some other things).
I know that I have a pretty unemotional front and when I do get emotional people really take notice.
From my perspective two things are in play here.

First, I just don't emote much. It doesn't mean I don't have emotions and feel indifferent, it's just that there's often a disconnect between what I'm feeling at the moment and a physical expression. Not all expressions seem to be automatic for people with Asperger's, sometimes it has to be a conscious action. I guess I'm kind of like Droopy Dog. Maybe I ought to say "I'm happy" even when my face doesn't show it. I wonder how many people will believe me if I don't actually have a happy expression though.

Second, sometimes the emotions come later. Especially when it's an emotional and/or sensory overload. I may not be able to feel the appropriate emotion(s) in the moment it's happening. It might not come until later, after I've processed the "input". I often consciously think to myself in that moment that I'm not feeling what I should and have learned to tell myself that doesn't mean I won't feel it later and that it's still valid when I do feel something later. In a situation that would justifiably cause anger, a normal person would immediately launch into an argument or such, I would likely have no reaction when the offense took place but would be mad later after I had time to process the occurrence. So, I have to actually just let it go and move on or go back to the person later to express my anger.  Yes, it can help with being prudent and not flying off the handle but it also leads to poor communication. If there's a reoccurring issue that concerns me I often don't communicate my irritation, anger, etc. until it really annoys me and makes the effort of revisiting a subject necessary. I usually just let things slide because it's often not worth bringing something up later whereas it would have been more appropriate to express myself "quicker" at the time of the offense.

Unfortunately, positive interactions are often like this as well and I may not experience feelings of love or happiness until after the event has passed. I think that's more upsetting to me than not being able to react in a timely manner to negative events. Regardless, both cause issues in regard to interacting with others, which is my biggest heartbreak. I am always, always, always misunderstood in EVERY relationship I've ever had. Even my most humblest efforts to be gracious to others have left me misinterpreted and maligned because Neurotypical people misunderstood my Aspie attempts to connect with them. I wish it was all fun and laughs like the misunderstandings between Sheldon and the others on The Big Bang Theory but in real life it's brought me to tears many times.

Literally?

I take things too literally. Even though I know this about me it doesn't make it easier to tell when someone is jesting or joking or being sarcastic and when they're being serious. I'm aware of the concept and can understand it, I just have trouble identifying it in real life scenarios.

I may be busy doing something and someone comes by and says "You don't look busy." I don't know how to take this. Do they realize I am, in fact, busy or do they not realize I'm in the middle of something? Some people don't appreciate that you can be "busy" on the computer or some other non-physically exerting task. I don't know how to respond to something like that. I usually respond in a serious nature and then the person says something like  "Geesh, I was just joking" but by then I'm already down the road in my response and it's kind of hard to stop mid-thought and say "Oh, ha ha...you had me going." I'm usually at least mildly agitated by that point regardless.

It would be nice if people gave a cue that they're joking when they say things like that. It's very similar to communicating online or in text messages. Assume I'm not "there" to read your body language or inflections in your voice and give me a little "jk" or ";)" at the end.

Pirates!

Survived Chuck E. Cheese. Not one of my favorite places but had fun playing Deadstorm Pirates with my son. Which conveniently kept us busy for quite a while and kept me from having to interact much with others and kept me focused so I blocked out all the other arcade noises and didn't get overloaded.

Overload!

I need to focus on one thing at a time. If there's two things going on I can probably manage it or I may block out one while paying attention to the other. I may not even know that I'm doing it. Anything more than two things and I'm getting seriously overloaded. Even places like the grocery store or the mall has way too much going on. I can only take so much. I'm really not looking forward to the birthday party at Chuck E. Cheese tomorrow but when you're the parent of a four year old it's something you've got to do. I think I need to invest in earplugs for such occasions.

Memory

I really have a hard time remembering things short-term due to Asperger's. Unfortunately, this means all the day to day stuff like household chores, paying bills or doing something someone asks of me.
I forget to do something outright or I get called away from doing something and forget to return to it. I could be in the middle of folding laundry and if someone calls me away briefly for some reason, I forget all about it and do something else. Out of sight, out of mind is unfortunately the way of things for me.
Long-term memory is a whole other thing. I can tell you about things that happened when I was a kid but I may not remember what I ate for dinner yesterday. It almost sounds like Alzheimer's but I've been like this my whole life. I'd forget to do homework assignments in school so my grades would suffer even if I knew the material and tested well.
Now days I use calendars, post-its, electronic devices like my phone or laptop to remind me of stuff but things still slip by me. I can schedule the homework or the bills but it's very unlikely I'm going to program my computer to remind me to put the wash in the dryer or to feed the fish. Post-its only last so long before they blend into the background and get ignored. I'm always under a constant stress that I must be forgetting something even if I can't figure out what it is at the moment.
I'm trying to communicate this to those around me so they realize I'm having trouble. I hesitate because I can imagine some people just seeing it as an excuse to be lazy but it really isn't that at all. IF I remembered I would readily do it. Honestly, I feel really overwhelmed trying to remember and trying to prioritize everything that needs to be done. Of course, add a four year-old that requires assistance every 30 seconds and it's almost maddening.

Origins

I'm certain my paternal grandmother had it and my father has it. All three of us have had a pattern of odd quirks and socially awkward behaviors. I don't think any offense was ever intended yet somehow people have always been hurt by our behavior.

I can't speak for my father or my grandmother but I can tell you it distresses me that things I said with no harm ever intended caused hurt to others. From some of my earliest recollections there were people having what I perceived as irrational reactions to things I said. One time I had a girl from school yell at me and hang up the phone when I called to ask her what the homework was because I missed school that day.
I had a hard time understanding that even if someone said something derogatory of themselves or their possessions that I wasn't at liberty to use those same terms. For example, if someone called themselves fat that I wasn't allowed to call them fat even though they had described themselves as such. I wouldn't use such terms to be mean but as a descriptive term not realizing the offense. Or if someone called their car a piece of junk I'd say to someone else that maybe the person was late because their car was a piece of junk. I didn't mean it in a condescending way, just a factual way, yet that was not how it was taken. Too many times events like these ended up with me in tears because I didn't understand what I had done wrong and didn't want people to perceive me as a jerk but clearly many of them did. Usually, by the time they were screaming at me there had been a history of offense, to which I was oblivious, prior to the current one.

Even now that I'm actually aware of some of the proper norms of conduct, it still doesn't mean I recognize them on the fly and act appropriately in the moment the interaction is occurring. Sometimes I have to review the interaction and go back to the person later to clarify, apologize, etc. But, again, that's if I even realize it. Sometimes, in an effort to try to have appropriate conduct I'm overly cautious to the extent that once again my behavior is called into question. The truth is, I just don't quite understand complex social interactions. I can joke, have fun, talk about stuff, even talk about relationships...but I need it concretely said not implied or left to be interpreted. If I'm supposed to read in between the lines forget about it, not likely to happen unless it's a cliche I've heard before.

Even when I explain this to people and they grasp how my mind functions it still doesn't mean there won't be plenty of misunderstandings anyway. A lot of times it's very lonely to know even those closest to you don't really understand you.

Learning

I'm finding out the hard way that I need to tell people that I have issues associated with Asperger's. In my mind it feels like a cop out so I don't do it. In my own self I feel "normal" not realizing that I'm not really like others. I have different strengths and weaknesses than people with the typical mindset....neurotypical, as you will.
I can usually tell you where anything is in a given area, like my home or workplace. I'm very good at retrieving  but I'm not good at organizing. I have a hard time putting order to things in my environment in a tangible sense but can organize it in my mind somehow so that I know where things are the environment. I have a hard time prioritizing tasks. I'm better at follow through than I used to be but that's been a learned thing. Apparently, I have problems with time. I think I spent a few minutes doing something that others tell me I spent much longer doing.
What I'm finding both on a personal level and out in the world is that while I think I'm keeping pace with demands upon me that I'm really not and if others don't know I have certain problems due to my Asperger's that I'm really shooting myself in the foot. I could be relieved of tasks I have difficulty doing and given other tasks I do better at if I learn to share that information when appropriate. Now, to just get over myself...

Redux part 2

Ok I meant to rekick this blog off some time ago but I returned to school full-time to pursue my bachelors so I've been busy. I just finished up a "slammed" 6 week summer course yesterday and have no classes for two months until the fall semester begins.

Yesterday's final exam brought back to mind my intentions to rework this blog. Originally, it was sort of a commentary on my libertarian political ideals and some of my experiences with living in the desert. A lot has happened since the origination of the blog and while I could have started a new blog the name of this blog is so appropriate that I decided to pull a redux.

Anyway, back to the final and just what the heck I'm talking about. I came to the realization about a year ago that I have Asperger's Syndrome. I'm kind of one to ignore my own issues unless a limb falls off so first of all it took me until 39 years old to put the pieces together and second to realize I may have to take measures to help me help myself to better navigate through life.

Yesterday's exam was a glaring reminder that maybe I can't just trudge through and ignore my limitations. It was an online course for Microsoft Access 2010. I've never worked with Access previously but had a 100% average in the class...until yesterday. The final exam was held in a computer lab on campus. We had an hour and a half to follow a list of tasks to complete in the database. The twenty other people in the lab took off clackety-clacking on their keyboards and I froze. I couldn't remember the macros or how to make crosstab queries. I struggled through best I could but it wasn't nearly enough time for me to complete, especially after all the distraction of all those people typing at once. This morning I got my grade: 55%

Maybe I should have told her at the beginning of the course that I had Asperger's. I'm not officially diagnosed so I don't know if the school would be required to accommodate me. Maybe give me a privately proctored exam, I don't know what else would help. When I commented to her after the test that it was not nearly enough time for me to complete she said that having a time constraint like that is more true to life and that we need to get used to being in a crowded environment with deadlines on our work. I can tell you right now I wouldn't be able to work in an environment like that. I need to be squirreled away in a server room somewhere or at home programming code in my pajamas.

When I got home I googled "career Aspergers" and one of the sites said that 80% of adults with Asperger's don't work full-time. I know the times that I did work full-time I felt like my head was going to explode. I definitely need to find something I can do freelance or from home or some other environment where I'm not around a lot of people. Not that I don't like people. It's just that they don't understand me and I don't understand them and they're generally a distraction from what I need to focus on. More later...