Spirituality

I grew up in a Baptist home. As with other faiths there's a certain mystical component beyond a list of dos and don'ts. I've tried to experience "God's will", voice of God, "still small voice" meditation stuff. I've tried to read the Bible with an intent to perceive more than just the literal text. I've heard many times of people saying it speaks to them differently each time they read it. They call it the "living word", that there is some kind of metaphysical characteristics to the scripture that they perceive. I've tried to experience all this and out of sheer desperation I'd sometimes convince myself I had discerned something relating to a special revelation of God's will for my life. Like taking things that happened as a sign.

One time I had likened in an email to a friend that I and someone we both knew were like two zebras in a herd of horses. Like that we were different than the rest. A couple months later I was sitting in a church nursery playing with my then toddler and he handed me two toy zebras. I practically jumped out of my skin thinking it was some kind of sign relating to my earlier zebra analogy. I thought it meant I should focus on building that relationship. Woohoo, a sign from God! When, with "help" from my typical Aspie communication limitations, things went horribly bad...to the point that we no longer even speak...how am I supposed to take that "sign from God" now?
After other such events over the years I came to the conclusion that I've been really reaching to believe that I have had spiritual experiences like others of faith claim. I don't contest their experiences but I think for myself that my perceptions are too dulled to discern such things. I have difficulty interpreting overt communications in the physical realm, I think it's not very realistic that I'm going to accurately perceive any subtle spiritual communications.

I feel like I'm missing out on some kind of vital ability when it comes to religion or associating with others in a religious context. I do not experience what they experience so I can't relate. I believe in God and I would most closely associate with the Presbyterian denomination but it's an intellectual belief, not so much a feeling, experiential faith. I want to experience more and I figure if God knows I'm like this that he would "speak" to me louder and clearer but I can't say that he has. I've prayed for him to hit me with a metaphorical brick or 2x4 if he wants to communicate something to me but it appears he hasn't had anything to say. I still believe, but I've drifted because it doesn't feel personal. Going to church usually upsets me because I feel left out of whatever it is that they experience with God.