Hiatus

I've been busy with school but I'm glad to report straight A's again for both semesters. I have a little time off before summer session where I'll be taking two courses so that I'll be able to graduate next Spring.

The Asperger's is rearing it's head. I always think things are going well until I finally notice I'm running people off. That's the thing, I don't even know I'm different or upset people until they have a reaction to me. They either withdraw from me, yell at me or cry...all under the interpretation that I'm a jerk. I NEVER intend anything I do to be mean but no matter how hard I try to be kind it seems to go all wrong and, like I said, I don't even see it. I'm blind to it.

I wonder if it's better or worse to tell people. Maybe I'd rather have them think I was a jerk than start talking to me like I'm mentally retarded because they don't understand what Asperger's is.

The memory flash backs are ongoing. Remembering people taking issue with me in the past and not understanding what I did wrong. Today I remembered a co-worker telling me that another co-worker that I worked closely with quit because she couldn't handle working with me any longer. I didn't understand why but this is also the same job where everyone got invited to a co-worker's wedding but me.

It just goes on and on and every incident hurts because it alienates me further from other people. I don't want that but I seem to have trouble interacting with everyone.  I even am having issues with people I don't know in real life. I belong to a guild in World of Warcraft and even the people in the guild seem to be taking issue with me. By my assessment I've only ever been polite and friendly with my guildmates yet even then I seem to have made some missteps that I wasn't aware of. Warcraft is kind of my escape from reality so when my Asperger issues are crossing over into my "refuge world" it's upsetting.

I'm taking to voluntarily being less social. Not because I want to but that apparently that's the only way to avoid upsetting people and being upset. The less people I interact with, the less I open my mouth or type something the less chance of misunderstandings and hurt feelings.

So far...

I returned to classes a couple weeks ago. I have four classes and two instructors...two classes taught by each instructor...just the way things fell this semester. The one teacher I've had three times before. She's very organized, I know exactly what she wants done and I do it. No problem...well, other than I choked during her last final with all the clackety-clacking of my classmates working away on their computers.

My other two classes are stressing me. I didn't know this until last week but the original instructor who was to teach both these classes died over the summer. This left the technology department scrambling to find another instructor to teach the course. So, the new instructor, who I have not had before, has not taught these courses before. There's an element of disorganization that I'm having difficulty coping with. In the instructor's effort to accommodate us and the classes not going as originally intended he's being laid back about assignments. The class schedule is bizarre to say the least. We meet for 3 hours on various days as noted on his syllabus. There's no routine to it at all. The first week the one class met on Tuesday and the other on Wednesday in the same time slot, not the second week for either and then they seem staggered for a bit, one week only the Tuesday class the other week only the Wednesday but it doesn't stay that way.  Assignments are listed due on the Syllabus but then he tells us in class to bring them next time so we go past the due date. The online calendar is "yelling" at me that my assignments are overdue but he says it's ok he'll take care of it. I'm not even sure he knows my name to credit me for doing the labwork. The online worksheet was vague and due to it's non-specific language I got questions wrong. I need things to be very precise for me to be able to understand. I'm very literal in my interpretation. I get hung up on things if they're not clearly explained. It's like "water"...well, it's H2O technically but there's really other stuff in there too so which are you talking about? If I can't determine which by surrounding information I just get hung up on it.

I guess I need to become a computer programmer. I'd probably be a wiz with syntax. Meanwhile I'm trying to cope with humans.

Back to School

I start back to classes on Monday. I already feel overwhelmed.
Not so much by the subject matter but with the multitasking of managing assignments from several classes. Remembering to do assignments. I still don't feel like I have a good organization/scheduling system and this causes me stress.

On top of all that I need to put my child into daycare while I'm in class. This has not been an easy task. The childcare at school was supposedly full unless he went five days a week.  He's not ready for five days a week yet and he has to go to speech therapy one of those days anyway. I believe both my ex and I have Asperger's so it's likely that my son has it also. I think he does because he seems to have issues with coping with change and seems to like things in his environment "just so".

I think I'm going to try an organizer I can put papers in and has a calendar, so if you need me I'll be trolling the office supply stores this weekend. Woohoo....

Technology

It seems to me there should be more technology out there to help people with Asperger's.
Yes, there's PDA's and watches with alarms. I saw one that even puts a little preset message on the screen to remind you what the alarm is for Watch Minder. Maybe there's even apps out there. I don't have a smartphone to know if there is. I also found a software program SymTrend which tracks and reminds patients with various condition, including Asperger's, but for me it really isn't relevant to the issues I'm dealing with. I don't need to be reminded to brush my teeth, I need to be reminded to make a phone call to my kid's teacher. Also, most of these products seem to be geared toward children, like it's a juvenile condition you grow out of when you reach adulthood. I continue to look for something that will aid me with my short-term memory issues.

Finances

I really struggle with budgets and keeping track of finances. Remembering to pay bills on time. Making sure there's enough money in the account to cover all the bills. It's not that I'm bad with numbers, it's that I forget to do the numbers in the first place. I write due dates on the calendar and even set my phone to alert me each month when the bills are due, which helps, but sometimes that even can be overlooked if I was preoccupied with something else when it started to beep at me and absentmindedly turned it off. Often I forget all about purchases I made and forget to log them into my budget. It generates a lot of stress to not be certain about your finances so I'm really trying harder to keep a better track of all the money that comes in and goes out. I just started keeping a budget on Excel. I hope it helps. I'm also thinking that maybe grocery money and any other discretionary funds should just be in cash so I don't accidentally tap into funds needed for bills. When the cash is gone it's gone. Go root around the kitchen instead of going out to eat.

Mistruths Misinterpreted and Misunderstood

I understand the concept of deception. That someone may not be forthright about what they're truly doing, intending or thinking for various reasons. Most obviously it may not be looked on favorably by an individual or society as a whole or it may actually be intended to protect someone's feelings. It could even be used to surprise someone with something nice, like a gift or a surprise party.

I'm not saying I've never been dishonest. I think everyone has at some point. I think what I'm puzzled by is the complexity of deception many people go to and also their feeling the need to be deceptive in circumstances that don't seem to warrant it.

I remember being ditched at an amusement park when I was in high school. I drove my friend and myself there and her boyfriend met us there. Instead of just saying "I'm going to leave with him, see you later" while I was in a concession line she said "We're going over to that stand, meet you over there by that bench." So, there I am standing by the bench looking around for them. When I broadened my range of searching I saw them exiting the gate to the parking lot.

More recently, I had someone else tell me they were helping a friend move to my home state of Pennsylvania when in fact they were doing something else entirely. Ok, I get it. You didn't want me to know, but why tell me Pennsylvania? Here I was giving them information on Pennsylvania, like take a jacket even in the summer and a couple places they might like to check out if they get a chance and they weren't even going there.

I just don't understand stuff like that. And what's worse is I really don't have the ability to discern when someone is being dishonest with me unless they slip up or just come out and tell me at some point. I rely almost exclusively on what a person tells me. Most the time I can't even tell if someone is being sarcastic.

I also don't understand when people say things they don't mean out of anger. I generally believe what they say and don't realize they don't really mean it. Like "I hate you!" or "Go away!".  I'm the type that would be heading out the door.

Them: "Where are you going?"
Me: "You told me to leave."
Them: "I didn't really mean it."
Me: "You told me to have a nice life."
Them: "I didn't mean that either, duh!"
Me: "I'm confused."

Any wonder why Aspies limit their social circle?

Reprieve

I've read about some people with Asperger's having to zone out into their own world. I really can't say I do that but I do need a break from it all from time to time. I get overloaded with too much to process, noises, things, people, etc. and I just need to chill out in a quiet place.

I also find reading or gaming on my computer a good break. A distraction that helps me "reboot" so that I can go back to dealing with whatever I was getting overloaded with previously. I do subscribe to World of Warcraft but I generally stick with solo content (questing, professions, etc.) and don't run dungeons or raids with groups of other players. (I truly am an introvert.) To me, it's a virtual world that I can retreat to and find a sense of order.

Generally, anything computers do have some sort of order to them. Even "chaos" in a virtual environment is programmed to appear to be chaos but really isn't. There is a logical operation to it that for me provides the structure I desire to have in the real world but can only have to a limited degree. While I desire cleanliness and organization almost as much as someone with OCD, I'm unable to sort stuff out mentally enough to achieve those desires. I have issues prioritizing and planning and then usually negate any of that by forgetting what I needed to do anyway. I can't tell you how many times I've forgotten to put the wash in the dryer or some such task.

Anyway, there's so much more order to a virtual environment. It takes exactly this and exactly that to complete a task or quest or make something. You perform specific actions and the characters respond in a specific way, no random illogical actions that humans in real life are prone to. This makes my Aspie brain happy. Real people confuse my Aspie brain. Of course, there's no laundry to do or dishes to wash. My brain just doesn't feel as bogged down with a bunch of tasks to juggle as it does in the real world. Obviously, it's only a temporary escape but it's something I feel I need to stay sane. It helps me take a break and come back to the real world prepared to function again.