Saturday, June 30, 2012
Overload!
I need to focus on one thing at a time. If there's two things going on I can probably manage it or I may block out one while paying attention to the other. I may not even know that I'm doing it. Anything more than two things and I'm getting seriously overloaded. Even places like the grocery store or the mall has way too much going on. I can only take so much. I'm really not looking forward to the birthday party at Chuck E. Cheese tomorrow but when you're the parent of a four year old it's something you've got to do. I think I need to invest in earplugs for such occasions.
Memory
I really have a hard time remembering things short-term due to Asperger's. Unfortunately, this means all the day to day stuff like household chores, paying bills or doing something someone asks of me.
I forget to do something outright or I get called away from doing something and forget to return to it. I could be in the middle of folding laundry and if someone calls me away briefly for some reason, I forget all about it and do something else. Out of sight, out of mind is unfortunately the way of things for me.
Long-term memory is a whole other thing. I can tell you about things that happened when I was a kid but I may not remember what I ate for dinner yesterday. It almost sounds like Alzheimer's but I've been like this my whole life. I'd forget to do homework assignments in school so my grades would suffer even if I knew the material and tested well.
Now days I use calendars, post-its, electronic devices like my phone or laptop to remind me of stuff but things still slip by me. I can schedule the homework or the bills but it's very unlikely I'm going to program my computer to remind me to put the wash in the dryer or to feed the fish. Post-its only last so long before they blend into the background and get ignored. I'm always under a constant stress that I must be forgetting something even if I can't figure out what it is at the moment.
I'm trying to communicate this to those around me so they realize I'm having trouble. I hesitate because I can imagine some people just seeing it as an excuse to be lazy but it really isn't that at all. IF I remembered I would readily do it. Honestly, I feel really overwhelmed trying to remember and trying to prioritize everything that needs to be done. Of course, add a four year-old that requires assistance every 30 seconds and it's almost maddening.
I forget to do something outright or I get called away from doing something and forget to return to it. I could be in the middle of folding laundry and if someone calls me away briefly for some reason, I forget all about it and do something else. Out of sight, out of mind is unfortunately the way of things for me.
Long-term memory is a whole other thing. I can tell you about things that happened when I was a kid but I may not remember what I ate for dinner yesterday. It almost sounds like Alzheimer's but I've been like this my whole life. I'd forget to do homework assignments in school so my grades would suffer even if I knew the material and tested well.
Now days I use calendars, post-its, electronic devices like my phone or laptop to remind me of stuff but things still slip by me. I can schedule the homework or the bills but it's very unlikely I'm going to program my computer to remind me to put the wash in the dryer or to feed the fish. Post-its only last so long before they blend into the background and get ignored. I'm always under a constant stress that I must be forgetting something even if I can't figure out what it is at the moment.
I'm trying to communicate this to those around me so they realize I'm having trouble. I hesitate because I can imagine some people just seeing it as an excuse to be lazy but it really isn't that at all. IF I remembered I would readily do it. Honestly, I feel really overwhelmed trying to remember and trying to prioritize everything that needs to be done. Of course, add a four year-old that requires assistance every 30 seconds and it's almost maddening.
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
Origins
I'm certain my paternal grandmother had it and my father has it. All three of us have had a pattern of odd quirks and socially awkward behaviors. I don't think any offense was ever intended yet somehow people have always been hurt by our behavior.
I can't speak for my father or my grandmother but I can tell you it distresses me that things I said with no harm ever intended caused hurt to others. From some of my earliest recollections there were people having what I perceived as irrational reactions to things I said. One time I had a girl from school yell at me and hang up the phone when I called to ask her what the homework was because I missed school that day.
I had a hard time understanding that even if someone said something derogatory of themselves or their possessions that I wasn't at liberty to use those same terms. For example, if someone called themselves fat that I wasn't allowed to call them fat even though they had described themselves as such. I wouldn't use such terms to be mean but as a descriptive term not realizing the offense. Or if someone called their car a piece of junk I'd say to someone else that maybe the person was late because their car was a piece of junk. I didn't mean it in a condescending way, just a factual way, yet that was not how it was taken. Too many times events like these ended up with me in tears because I didn't understand what I had done wrong and didn't want people to perceive me as a jerk but clearly many of them did. Usually, by the time they were screaming at me there had been a history of offense, to which I was oblivious, prior to the current one.
Even now that I'm actually aware of some of the proper norms of conduct, it still doesn't mean I recognize them on the fly and act appropriately in the moment the interaction is occurring. Sometimes I have to review the interaction and go back to the person later to clarify, apologize, etc. But, again, that's if I even realize it. Sometimes, in an effort to try to have appropriate conduct I'm overly cautious to the extent that once again my behavior is called into question. The truth is, I just don't quite understand complex social interactions. I can joke, have fun, talk about stuff, even talk about relationships...but I need it concretely said not implied or left to be interpreted. If I'm supposed to read in between the lines forget about it, not likely to happen unless it's a cliche I've heard before.
Even when I explain this to people and they grasp how my mind functions it still doesn't mean there won't be plenty of misunderstandings anyway. A lot of times it's very lonely to know even those closest to you don't really understand you.
I can't speak for my father or my grandmother but I can tell you it distresses me that things I said with no harm ever intended caused hurt to others. From some of my earliest recollections there were people having what I perceived as irrational reactions to things I said. One time I had a girl from school yell at me and hang up the phone when I called to ask her what the homework was because I missed school that day.
I had a hard time understanding that even if someone said something derogatory of themselves or their possessions that I wasn't at liberty to use those same terms. For example, if someone called themselves fat that I wasn't allowed to call them fat even though they had described themselves as such. I wouldn't use such terms to be mean but as a descriptive term not realizing the offense. Or if someone called their car a piece of junk I'd say to someone else that maybe the person was late because their car was a piece of junk. I didn't mean it in a condescending way, just a factual way, yet that was not how it was taken. Too many times events like these ended up with me in tears because I didn't understand what I had done wrong and didn't want people to perceive me as a jerk but clearly many of them did. Usually, by the time they were screaming at me there had been a history of offense, to which I was oblivious, prior to the current one.
Even now that I'm actually aware of some of the proper norms of conduct, it still doesn't mean I recognize them on the fly and act appropriately in the moment the interaction is occurring. Sometimes I have to review the interaction and go back to the person later to clarify, apologize, etc. But, again, that's if I even realize it. Sometimes, in an effort to try to have appropriate conduct I'm overly cautious to the extent that once again my behavior is called into question. The truth is, I just don't quite understand complex social interactions. I can joke, have fun, talk about stuff, even talk about relationships...but I need it concretely said not implied or left to be interpreted. If I'm supposed to read in between the lines forget about it, not likely to happen unless it's a cliche I've heard before.
Even when I explain this to people and they grasp how my mind functions it still doesn't mean there won't be plenty of misunderstandings anyway. A lot of times it's very lonely to know even those closest to you don't really understand you.
Learning
I'm finding out the hard way that I need to tell people that I have issues associated with Asperger's. In my mind it feels like a cop out so I don't do it. In my own self I feel "normal" not realizing that I'm not really like others. I have different strengths and weaknesses than people with the typical mindset....neurotypical, as you will.
I can usually tell you where anything is in a given area, like my home or workplace. I'm very good at retrieving but I'm not good at organizing. I have a hard time putting order to things in my environment in a tangible sense but can organize it in my mind somehow so that I know where things are the environment. I have a hard time prioritizing tasks. I'm better at follow through than I used to be but that's been a learned thing. Apparently, I have problems with time. I think I spent a few minutes doing something that others tell me I spent much longer doing.
What I'm finding both on a personal level and out in the world is that while I think I'm keeping pace with demands upon me that I'm really not and if others don't know I have certain problems due to my Asperger's that I'm really shooting myself in the foot. I could be relieved of tasks I have difficulty doing and given other tasks I do better at if I learn to share that information when appropriate. Now, to just get over myself...
I can usually tell you where anything is in a given area, like my home or workplace. I'm very good at retrieving but I'm not good at organizing. I have a hard time putting order to things in my environment in a tangible sense but can organize it in my mind somehow so that I know where things are the environment. I have a hard time prioritizing tasks. I'm better at follow through than I used to be but that's been a learned thing. Apparently, I have problems with time. I think I spent a few minutes doing something that others tell me I spent much longer doing.
What I'm finding both on a personal level and out in the world is that while I think I'm keeping pace with demands upon me that I'm really not and if others don't know I have certain problems due to my Asperger's that I'm really shooting myself in the foot. I could be relieved of tasks I have difficulty doing and given other tasks I do better at if I learn to share that information when appropriate. Now, to just get over myself...
Thursday, June 21, 2012
Redux part 2
Ok I meant to rekick this blog off some time ago but I returned to school full-time to pursue my bachelors so I've been busy. I just finished up a "slammed" 6 week summer course yesterday and have no classes for two months until the fall semester begins.
Yesterday's final exam brought back to mind my intentions to rework this blog. Originally, it was sort of a commentary on my libertarian political ideals and some of my experiences with living in the desert. A lot has happened since the origination of the blog and while I could have started a new blog the name of this blog is so appropriate that I decided to pull a redux.
Anyway, back to the final and just what the heck I'm talking about. I came to the realization about a year ago that I have Asperger's Syndrome. I'm kind of one to ignore my own issues unless a limb falls off so first of all it took me until 39 years old to put the pieces together and second to realize I may have to take measures to help me help myself to better navigate through life.
Yesterday's exam was a glaring reminder that maybe I can't just trudge through and ignore my limitations. It was an online course for Microsoft Access 2010. I've never worked with Access previously but had a 100% average in the class...until yesterday. The final exam was held in a computer lab on campus. We had an hour and a half to follow a list of tasks to complete in the database. The twenty other people in the lab took off clackety-clacking on their keyboards and I froze. I couldn't remember the macros or how to make crosstab queries. I struggled through best I could but it wasn't nearly enough time for me to complete, especially after all the distraction of all those people typing at once. This morning I got my grade: 55%
Maybe I should have told her at the beginning of the course that I had Asperger's. I'm not officially diagnosed so I don't know if the school would be required to accommodate me. Maybe give me a privately proctored exam, I don't know what else would help. When I commented to her after the test that it was not nearly enough time for me to complete she said that having a time constraint like that is more true to life and that we need to get used to being in a crowded environment with deadlines on our work. I can tell you right now I wouldn't be able to work in an environment like that. I need to be squirreled away in a server room somewhere or at home programming code in my pajamas.
When I got home I googled "career Aspergers" and one of the sites said that 80% of adults with Asperger's don't work full-time. I know the times that I did work full-time I felt like my head was going to explode. I definitely need to find something I can do freelance or from home or some other environment where I'm not around a lot of people. Not that I don't like people. It's just that they don't understand me and I don't understand them and they're generally a distraction from what I need to focus on. More later...
Yesterday's final exam brought back to mind my intentions to rework this blog. Originally, it was sort of a commentary on my libertarian political ideals and some of my experiences with living in the desert. A lot has happened since the origination of the blog and while I could have started a new blog the name of this blog is so appropriate that I decided to pull a redux.
Anyway, back to the final and just what the heck I'm talking about. I came to the realization about a year ago that I have Asperger's Syndrome. I'm kind of one to ignore my own issues unless a limb falls off so first of all it took me until 39 years old to put the pieces together and second to realize I may have to take measures to help me help myself to better navigate through life.
Yesterday's exam was a glaring reminder that maybe I can't just trudge through and ignore my limitations. It was an online course for Microsoft Access 2010. I've never worked with Access previously but had a 100% average in the class...until yesterday. The final exam was held in a computer lab on campus. We had an hour and a half to follow a list of tasks to complete in the database. The twenty other people in the lab took off clackety-clacking on their keyboards and I froze. I couldn't remember the macros or how to make crosstab queries. I struggled through best I could but it wasn't nearly enough time for me to complete, especially after all the distraction of all those people typing at once. This morning I got my grade: 55%
Maybe I should have told her at the beginning of the course that I had Asperger's. I'm not officially diagnosed so I don't know if the school would be required to accommodate me. Maybe give me a privately proctored exam, I don't know what else would help. When I commented to her after the test that it was not nearly enough time for me to complete she said that having a time constraint like that is more true to life and that we need to get used to being in a crowded environment with deadlines on our work. I can tell you right now I wouldn't be able to work in an environment like that. I need to be squirreled away in a server room somewhere or at home programming code in my pajamas.
When I got home I googled "career Aspergers" and one of the sites said that 80% of adults with Asperger's don't work full-time. I know the times that I did work full-time I felt like my head was going to explode. I definitely need to find something I can do freelance or from home or some other environment where I'm not around a lot of people. Not that I don't like people. It's just that they don't understand me and I don't understand them and they're generally a distraction from what I need to focus on. More later...
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